So…uhm…I guess I haven’t written in a while.
But I’m a sophomore now!
I thought I’d feel all cool and confident with none of those lame freshman panics, but as it turns out, I’m never as in control as I think I am.
I showed up, same feelings, same thoughts – same sudden notions of poverty and loneliness.
Then I saw people, and to be honest, I’ve never seen my friends look so frazzled.
I didn’t exactly look like a dream either, I was wearing an owl t-shirt with a coffee stain on it, and while packing my clothes the day before, forgot that I would need something to wear in the car ride to Berkeley…
And I have a nervous habit of playing with my hair, so I had so many fly-aways Hermione Granger could have made fun of me.
The worst part about showing up, was that I didn’t feel rooted. Even after I unpacked and the room looked like mine, it still didn’t feel like mine…
Getting into bed the first night felt like a sleeping in a hotel room, except I knew I wouldn’t be going home for a looooong time. Fortunately, the uneasy feeling gnawing at my insides dissipated a lot faster than last year. At least now I had a few reliable friends and even more acquaintances. This week I had a few good hugs with people I hadn’t seen in months.
I also forgot how much I love this city. It’s the first one I picked for myself, and it only took about a day for me to feel back at home again. I forgot how beautiful it was, and how nice busy streets are.
It reminds me of a Death Cab for Cutie song, “Your Heart is an Empty Room.” There’s a line, “All you see, is where else you could be when you’re at home, when out on the street are so many possibilities to not be alone.”
The key is making sure to not feel lonely, when you’re alone.
